What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 04:39
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
(And it was in our own minds.)
They are buried together, in the same grave..
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Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
How many trans people are lawful gun owners?
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
So, i spoilt her more .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Is there any new American thing?
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
What is the sum of X+XX+XXX+XXXX?
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
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Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
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My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I don,t even have a pension.
Im still living with it.
And i lived it daily.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But ive been too sick for many years..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
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Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
What is the most ridiculous obviously false verse in the Bible?
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Comes on , in middle age.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I was scared of men, in general
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I was seconnd youngest,
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I was very sick at this time too.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
She loved him until the end.
Put me off passion for life!!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
We were not on the streets..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
We all went to grammer schools
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
She married twice! .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I never cut or harmed myself..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
But it wasn’t much.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
So whats the point in blame.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
She wouldn,t have been !
On the 31st of Jan this month .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Who then, do I blame.?
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I write beautiful poetry .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I said to her
I waited trembling.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
My family never makes their pension either.
Would this be the day?
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He knew the spot.
She was in good health!
I couldn’t, believe it.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
One cannot live in the past .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Was to survive, this bastard.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I could never make a relationship work though!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I will be 64.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
It was going to be , some day.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But, we were locked up after school.
What did i know ?
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
This is soul school!.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I was 9 years of age.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She found it foreign!.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
All the time i was locked up.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I think the readers, may guess!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Ive learnt so much.
I have no regrets .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
When she asked me how she looked .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
My life is so biszare .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
The only rule us 5 kids had .